Thursday, March 10, 2011


I'm not blogging here anymore. This account is associated with a Gmail email address that I no longer use cuz it got choked to death by spam... part my fault and part due to another person with a similar address that Gmail recognizes as 1 address so I get a lot of junk that other person signed up for as well as my own personal junk and junk I never asked for. So I'll be deleting that entire Google account which will close everything that name is associated with including this blog and my Gmail account.

That being said if anyone who is currently following me here wishes to continue doing so you can stop following this blog and start following me here:

I have already posted one entry and may soon post another. I don't know how frequently the mood to blog will be so don't expect regular posts all the time if at all. If following me still interests you then go for it. I will wait 1 week from today before closing the other account to hopefully give everyone a chance to see this post.

Friday, January 9, 2009

I Fucked Up

About a month ago my mother expressed a concern that Logan was making raspy sounds in his throat. He didn't appear to be sick and didn't have any problems breathing so I pretty much shrugged it off because my mom tends to make mountains out of molehills or even has some really strange ideas about things. For example she said I shouldn't look at Logan from an upside down angle because she claimed I'd make him cross-eyed doing that... another time she told me not to put toys in his left hand because that would encourage him to be left handed, and strangest of all she told me not to repeatedly put his pacifier in and out of his mouth because that might encourage him to grow up to be gay.

Even tho I shrugged off my mom's concern I still intended to bring it up at his next doctor appointment during his regular check up. Besides Logan's regular check ups with his Pediatrician, I also have a nurse that comes here to my place to check on him once a month. After my mother expressed the concern about the strange noise he was making I told the nurse about on during her next visit and she listened to his chest with her stethoscope and said she thought he sounded okay. My mom thought I should still tell the doctor anyway, and I intended to anyway. I just thought if it could be something serious the nurse would know then I would know if there was a more urgent need for Logan to be seen by a doctor about it. Since she seemed to think he sounded okay I figured it could wait until his next appointment to tell his Pediatrician about the strange raspy sound my mother said he was making.

Logan's Pediatrician appointment was yesterday (Thursday). I expected to see his regular pediatrician but she wasn't there and was stuck with another doctor instead. I wasn't very happy about this, but Logan is already a couple weeks past 6 months of age and I didn't see a point in postponing his appointment any longer just so he could see his regular pediatrician.

During the appointment today I told the doctor about the raspy sound people have heard him making. The doctor listened to his chest with a stethoscope and said he wasn't sure what it was, but didn't appear to be a problem with his breathing and said he would refer Logan to an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist in the metro area who could give me a better idea of what was wrong with him. But the doctor didn't seem to think there was any real urgency to it and I didn't have any reason not to trust his word, especially since Logan seemed okay. He thought that he might be getting a bit of a cold.

When I got back home from the doctor I was in the middle of feeding Logan when my mother dropped in for an unscheduled visit. I told her about the doctor appointment and the referral to the ENT specialist. She claimed that Logan seemed even worse than before and felt that there was a more urgent need for Logan to be seen by a doctor and I argued that he was just seen by a pediatrician... he just came from the doctor. She wouldn't let it go and strongly suggested I take him to the Children's Hospital up in the metro area. I agreed to to for no other reason than to appease her and get her off my case about it.

She actually lied to me... It wasn't the Children's Hospital we ended up going to. Instead she took us to the regular emergency room in HER town 30 minutes away. She apparently trusts the doctors over there more than the doctors here.

Well, it's a damn good thing she took me there. The emergency room doctor told me Logan had a croup... a viral infection in his vocal box and it was a good thing I brought him in because left untreated it could cause death.

After blood tests, an x-ray, another shot on top of the 4 he had already received earlier in the afternoon, and several minutes of having him breathe in a gas mask the doctor said the tests were normal, but he wanted to keep him for observation for a few hours to make sure he'll be okay. We didn't get out of the emergency room until 1 AM this morning.

The doctor said I could get a humidifier to help him breathe better overnight so while my mom stayed with Logan in the hospital I ran to Walmart nearby and bought one. While I was there I also bought him a plush Winnie the Pooh to cheer him up after such a long hard day. I also bought him an exersaucer... The model I wanted was sold out but the manager gave me the display model for about $30 less than retail which was a good deal considering that it was in excellent shape. This was intended to be his Christmas present a bit late.

So that's what my day was like today... very long. And I'm feeling horrible about having put off taking Logan to the doctor about this. It scares the fuck out of me that if I had been too stubborn to bring him in things could have potentially been more serious. I'm not feeling like a very good dad right now. I'm having a difficult time forgiving myself for not taking things more seriously. I just didn't want to be one of those overly worried new parents that run to the emergency room every time their kid gets a mild fever or a runny nose.

To make matters worse Amy is mad at me because she feels I didn't communicate with her enough about Logan's health issues. It's a bit overwhelming. I'm doing the best I can to include her in everything I can. This isn't easy doing all this myself without her. I'm not at all intending to keep her in the dark simply because I value her input and despite having sole custody of Logan I don't really want to do everything alone... I would much rather include her in as much as possible. So I feel bad that I'm apparently not doing enough. So in a single day I've failed the 2 people in my life that I love the most... hence the reason I'm still up at 4:30 AM.

I should probably try to get some sleep so I can be alert enough to take care of Logan today. Hopefully today is a better day.

PS: Apparently my comments aren't working right now... Not sure how to fix that problem, but hopefully it'll start working again on it's own.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Defining Love

I often sign "I Love you" to my son although I know he is too young to understand what it means. But it got me wondering how when he was old enough to communicate do you define "love"? It's hard enough to define it as an adult to another adult... but to a child who is just learning new concepts how do you define it? How do you explain the difference between the love a parent has for a child and the love a parent has for the other parent? Do you simplify the definition of love as affection towards another person? That would leave you wide open for the child to ask "why?", Why do you show different degrees of affection for one person than another? How is love or affection measured?

I'm sure I'll figure these things out and I'm sure I'd have Amy's help with it as well. It's just something I've been thinking about lately as a new parent. I'm sure every new parent faces similar questions like that. I found it interesting to consider nevertheless.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Never thought I'd ever see this listing on eBay...


Allow me to introduce myself here. My name is Troy and I'm a single dad with sole custody of my currently 6 month old son, Logan whom I've had sole custody of since he was a week old. It's been both rewarding and challenging experience. This custody arrangement is only temporary as far as my son's mother, Amy and I are concerned. I'm planning to move closer to her and raise our son together. This isn't because I don't feel equal to the task of being a single parent, but rather because I feel it would be in my son's best interest to have both of his parents in his life. Beyond that I'm also deeply in love with Amy and we have a history that spans 15 years. She's the love of my life and I hope that one day in the near future we'll be married.

I don't know where this blog is going to go. I don't know what I'll write about or how often I'll update. I guess it all depends on where my life goes and what motivation I have to write.

I used to keep a blog for about 6 years (different accounts under different SNs) at which if you type in your address bar and press enter will bring you to a page announcing the termination of the site in question. To those of us who used to blog there, there's no equal. However, a lot of former Journalspace members have ended up here so I too have decided to relocate here. Those of you who know me from Journalspace would know me most recently as TylerDurden there.

Despite mourning the loss of what I would arguably consider to be the best blogging site I've ever come across on the internet, I enjoy the opportunity here for a fresh start... a clean slate with no baggage.

Hopefully I can retain a decent percentage of my old readership as well as acquire some new readers. I'm looking forward to seeing what the future has in store for this new blog.