Friday, January 9, 2009

I Fucked Up

About a month ago my mother expressed a concern that Logan was making raspy sounds in his throat. He didn't appear to be sick and didn't have any problems breathing so I pretty much shrugged it off because my mom tends to make mountains out of molehills or even has some really strange ideas about things. For example she said I shouldn't look at Logan from an upside down angle because she claimed I'd make him cross-eyed doing that... another time she told me not to put toys in his left hand because that would encourage him to be left handed, and strangest of all she told me not to repeatedly put his pacifier in and out of his mouth because that might encourage him to grow up to be gay.

Even tho I shrugged off my mom's concern I still intended to bring it up at his next doctor appointment during his regular check up. Besides Logan's regular check ups with his Pediatrician, I also have a nurse that comes here to my place to check on him once a month. After my mother expressed the concern about the strange noise he was making I told the nurse about on during her next visit and she listened to his chest with her stethoscope and said she thought he sounded okay. My mom thought I should still tell the doctor anyway, and I intended to anyway. I just thought if it could be something serious the nurse would know then I would know if there was a more urgent need for Logan to be seen by a doctor about it. Since she seemed to think he sounded okay I figured it could wait until his next appointment to tell his Pediatrician about the strange raspy sound my mother said he was making.

Logan's Pediatrician appointment was yesterday (Thursday). I expected to see his regular pediatrician but she wasn't there and was stuck with another doctor instead. I wasn't very happy about this, but Logan is already a couple weeks past 6 months of age and I didn't see a point in postponing his appointment any longer just so he could see his regular pediatrician.

During the appointment today I told the doctor about the raspy sound people have heard him making. The doctor listened to his chest with a stethoscope and said he wasn't sure what it was, but didn't appear to be a problem with his breathing and said he would refer Logan to an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist in the metro area who could give me a better idea of what was wrong with him. But the doctor didn't seem to think there was any real urgency to it and I didn't have any reason not to trust his word, especially since Logan seemed okay. He thought that he might be getting a bit of a cold.

When I got back home from the doctor I was in the middle of feeding Logan when my mother dropped in for an unscheduled visit. I told her about the doctor appointment and the referral to the ENT specialist. She claimed that Logan seemed even worse than before and felt that there was a more urgent need for Logan to be seen by a doctor and I argued that he was just seen by a pediatrician... he just came from the doctor. She wouldn't let it go and strongly suggested I take him to the Children's Hospital up in the metro area. I agreed to to for no other reason than to appease her and get her off my case about it.

She actually lied to me... It wasn't the Children's Hospital we ended up going to. Instead she took us to the regular emergency room in HER town 30 minutes away. She apparently trusts the doctors over there more than the doctors here.

Well, it's a damn good thing she took me there. The emergency room doctor told me Logan had a croup... a viral infection in his vocal box and it was a good thing I brought him in because left untreated it could cause death.

After blood tests, an x-ray, another shot on top of the 4 he had already received earlier in the afternoon, and several minutes of having him breathe in a gas mask the doctor said the tests were normal, but he wanted to keep him for observation for a few hours to make sure he'll be okay. We didn't get out of the emergency room until 1 AM this morning.

The doctor said I could get a humidifier to help him breathe better overnight so while my mom stayed with Logan in the hospital I ran to Walmart nearby and bought one. While I was there I also bought him a plush Winnie the Pooh to cheer him up after such a long hard day. I also bought him an exersaucer... The model I wanted was sold out but the manager gave me the display model for about $30 less than retail which was a good deal considering that it was in excellent shape. This was intended to be his Christmas present a bit late.

So that's what my day was like today... very long. And I'm feeling horrible about having put off taking Logan to the doctor about this. It scares the fuck out of me that if I had been too stubborn to bring him in things could have potentially been more serious. I'm not feeling like a very good dad right now. I'm having a difficult time forgiving myself for not taking things more seriously. I just didn't want to be one of those overly worried new parents that run to the emergency room every time their kid gets a mild fever or a runny nose.

To make matters worse Amy is mad at me because she feels I didn't communicate with her enough about Logan's health issues. It's a bit overwhelming. I'm doing the best I can to include her in everything I can. This isn't easy doing all this myself without her. I'm not at all intending to keep her in the dark simply because I value her input and despite having sole custody of Logan I don't really want to do everything alone... I would much rather include her in as much as possible. So I feel bad that I'm apparently not doing enough. So in a single day I've failed the 2 people in my life that I love the most... hence the reason I'm still up at 4:30 AM.

I should probably try to get some sleep so I can be alert enough to take care of Logan today. Hopefully today is a better day.

PS: Apparently my comments aren't working right now... Not sure how to fix that problem, but hopefully it'll start working again on it's own.